Until we stop tiptoeing around this bleak reality, nothing will change.
A lot of Australians sometimes think that our political system is broken and that not very much happens in Parliament.
They get sick of the adversarial system in our Parliament.
But on the issue of gendered violence, the whole Parliament is as one. Gendered violence is a crisis in this country and we've got to do better. Enough is enough is enough.
Too often we wake to a story of another woman murdered by someone who said they loved them. Another child who has an injury from merely existing in the proximity of a man who cannot contain his rage.
We cannot become immune to this tragedy or shrug our shoulders and say, "Well, this is the way things are." It doesn't have to be, and it cannot be.
Women and children in this country deserve to be safe physically, mentally, emotionally.
Violence against women and children does not distinguish between postcodes, what school you went to, how much money you have in the bank account, your cultural background or your religion.
But what we know for certain is that the violence against women and children is disproportionately perpetrated by men.
And before we hear the cliched response of "not all men"; of course it is not all men.
Most blokes are simply not violent but there is a clear gendered pattern to violence against women and children.
The Albanese Labor Government has invested $3.4 billion in women's safety initiatives since coming to office to address gender-based violence and respectful relationships, but we know there is more to do.
And according to Domestic, Family and Sexual Violence Commissioner Micaela Cronin, if we keep tiptoeing around that reality, it does not make the problem as visible as it needs to be.
In launching the Inaugural Yearly Report to Parliament on the Progress of the National Plan to End Violence against Women and Children 2022-2032, Commissioner Cronin said men were mentioned 129 times and women 543 times.
The Commissioner implored us to stop using passive language of "violence against women" and start saying "men's violence". Stop saying "missing and lost" women and start saying "actively disappeared and murdered".
Language matters.
Government programs to help women and children escape a violent man matter.
And society's unwillingness to accept male violence as a fact of life, matters.
Gendered violence is not new in this country.
We're better at talking about it, and we're better at measuring some of it, but think back to your school days.
Was there a kid who turned up with bruises they didn't want to talk about?
A "weird" kid no one picked for the team, who sat alone and didn't seem to have much lunch?
A kid who you would talk to at school but who would make every excuse not to have you come to their house?
The signs have been there for generations, but the awareness and will to go hard against the issue hasn't.
Tonight there'll be too many children living in dysfunctional homes.
A child's home shouldn't be where a child feels that they've got to walk on eggshells, as if they're negotiating a minefield.
There will be kids tonight who come home from their after-school job or from uni, and mum will have the porch light on or off to signal whether dad is in a good mood or not.
Tonight there'll be so many households where there'll be 12-year-olds with self-taught, sophisticated mitigation strategies in place to try and appease anger and aggro.
Young boys tonight will learn about violence. Young girls will learn.
I also understand that some of the men who do these heinous things can be great blokes in the workplace and can be friendly neighbours - street angel, home devil.
We know that alcohol is an accelerant of violence.
Gambling can be. Undiagnosed depression. Some men even use the excuse of a losing football team to hurt their families. That is weak and pathetic.
They may give a reason for violence but nothing is ever an excuse.
Some men learn from the trauma of their own childhood, and some repeat it.
Some men abused in their own childhood turn out to be good fathers and husbands. I think that, if they don't repeat it, it's often because of the influence of strong mothers and other women in their lives.
It cannot only be up to the women in young men's lives who are responsible for breaking the intergenerational trauma.
We've got to teach people about the toxic masculinity of online influencers and podcasters.
It is alarming in the digital age that 25 per cent of teenage boys look up to social media personalities that perpetuate stupid, old-fashioned, violent attitudes.
So we have the dual goal of saving women and children and saving our young men from being radicalised online.
Male violence against women and children can stop. It's a choice.
Aussie children shouldn't have to develop coping and survival strategies.
Spare a thought for the kids who will grow up with too few good memories of their childhood.
The beautiful 12-year-old kids tonight who will wonder if they win or lose in their dad's mood lottery.
Who have to turn up their AirPods louder, or put headphones on to block out the noise and pain.
Who hope that intoxicated dad falls asleep quickly at the table.
Who learn to disassociate the world they live in outside the house and the times that their aggressive father comes home.
Who have to hear their mother shielding them from the man who is meant to nurture them.
And spare a thought for the people reading this who will recognise that 12-year-old because it was them. Who would give anything to go back and give their 12-year-old selves a hug and tell them that none of this their fault.
Nobody can change the past, but we can change the future.
And it is not up to women to do it.
Men in Australia need to step up.
Practice respect for women.
Don't laugh at that sexist joke.
Published in The Nightly on Friday 30 August 2024